The Harry Potter 'Ships Log
by SmileVampy
Summary: A bunch of shorts poking fun at every HP slash and het relationship known to mankind... and perhaps some not known. Ch. 8 Oh Rinny? Yeah Rinny! No Wai! R&R, plzkthx
1. A Disturbing Harmony

A/N: This is just a silly idea I came up with a couple hours ago... Why not poke fun at every Harry Potter relationship possible? Ron/Hermione? Harry/Draco? So totally there. Filch/Pince? Sure, if that's your kink. Don't get offended if I make fun of your ship. It's all in good fun... hence the Humor category. Besides, they're **fictional characters**. I decided to kick things off with a little H/Hr... A ship that I just can't understand...

DISCLAIMER: OMG! Harry Potter! Not mine!

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**A Disturbing Harmony**

Harry and Hermione had just finished a session of wild and randy shagging.

Hermione laid her bushy head on her lover's muscular chest and looked up into his stunning green eyes. "Hey, Harry?"

"Yeah, babycakes?"

"Was it me, or did our love-making seem like a rather explicit game of 'Let's Play Doctor!'...played by a pair of horny, pubescent siblings?"

Harry thought about this for a moment. "Well... yeah." he shrugged. "I've never had a sister before, but you're the closest thing I've got to one."

"And this doesn't bother you at all?"

"Nah. Except for the fact that our kids will have really messed up hair... We're totally made for each other." He ran a hand down 'mione's arm. "Our midnight ride on Buckbeak three years ago totally proves it."

Hermione snuggled into him. "Yeah, you're right, Harry... our love is, like, totally destined."

And they fiercely embraced on another, both oblivious to the sound of Ron Weasley throwing himself off the Astronomy Tower in a fit of jealous misery.

FIN

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A/N: Review.._review_...You can suggest 'ships to tackle in new chapters if you want.But I think I'll do Harry/Draco next. Hmm... 

SmileVampy


	2. Row Your 'Ship Drarryly Down the Stream

A/N: First I must give shout-outs to K8e Bell, EverVengful, korrd, Henrietta-Black van der Snape, and Skuyfads... who were the 'Ships Log first reviewers. Nextly, this chapter's all about the wonderfully angsty (and canon!) relationship that is Draco/Harry.. which I enjoy immensely... (ahem) On with the fic!

DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter is not my brainchild... if he was I would have named him Harrison. Or perhaps Clint...

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**Row, Row, Row Your 'Ship, Drarry-ly Down the Stream...**

Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy were in the midst of a violent duel. "I hate you, Potter!" the blond youth spat, brandishing his wand furiously.

"Oh, yeah? Well... I hate you more!" Harry said angrily.

"As if, Potter. Every one knows that Malfoys detest best. So, ha!" Draco scoffed.

"Nuh-uh! I hate you so much I could sic thousands of venomous snakes on you!"

"And I hate you so much that I could kiss you."

Harry blinked. "Wait... what?"

Draco's pale cheeks flushed scarlet. "Nothing..."

Harry grinned. "Aw, you could kiss me? 'Cause I have the same feelings about you..."

"Really?" Draco's eyes widened.

"Yeah. Of course. Everyone knows that our so-called bitter resentment of each other is really just a cover-up for our true feelings... which are love. And lust," Harry added as an afterthought."

Draco squealed with uncharacteristicly girlish delight and jumped into Harry's arms. "I lust you, Harry!"

"And I have an unhealthy obsession with you, Malfoy," Harry said, petting his former enemy on the head.

"Dude... call me Draco."

FIN

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A/N: Next up... hmmmm... well, I had I pretty funny idea for Dobby/Winky, but that became a ficlet... maybe Harry/Tonks? Keep those suggestions coming and REVIEW! 

SmileVampy


	3. Honky Tonk Parade

A/N: Hey all, sorry about the long wait, but I've had a whole lot of stuff on my plate for the past couple months... that, and I was kinda drained for ideas. Canon ships are fun and all, but I was hard-pressed to come up with something really weird.. with that said, I give you Harry/Tonks.

Shout-outs to newest reviewers: Tinkerellabelle, Thessaly, Shire cat, and "shipper"

Rated for/DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter is not your multi-billion dollar franchise. Rated for thinly-veiled raunch dressing.

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**Honky Tonk Parade**

Harry was skulking around the Burrow one night, as he found it impossible to go back to sleep. There was too much on his fragile teenage mind to be bothered with such a trivial thing as slumber.

He tiptoed through the dark into the kitchen to make himself a spot of tea. The drink always seemed to calm his nerves. As he was getting a cup out of the cupboard he heard a loud CRASH behind him.

"Lumos," Harry breathed as he whirled around to face his attacker. He looked down to see a trim, pink-haired woman sprawled across the tile, a chair in shambles about her.

"Tonks!" Harry stage-whispered, surprised to see her up this early; Tonks usually slept 'til noon. "What are you doing at this hour?"

Tonks grinned up at him from her place on the floor. "Wotcher, Harry."

Harry shook his head as he watched his oddball friend rise and dust herself off. "Why do you always say that? What the hell does it mean, anyway?"

Tonks grinned again as she walked over to where Harry stood. Leaning in so that her mouth was almost touching his ear, her warm breath making him stir, she said:

"It means I'll snog ya six ways from Sunday..."

Harry's eyes widened.

"...and give ya a right good peepshow for good measure," she added.

He smiled.

_Guess Nymphodora Tonks lives up to her name after all..._

FIN ;)

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I think I'll dosome slash next... if you want your fill of Dobby/Winky, go read my story "Kinky, Dinky, and Dock," since I don't think I'll be covering that 'ship here. And does anyone feel up to some fanart, for any of my HP fics? Just wonderin'... 

SmileVampy

P.S. Does _anyone_ get last sentence? I want to know if I'm the only one...

P.P.S. Today's my **17th birthday**! Happy Black Friday, everyone!


	4. Can't Teach an Old Dogrid New Tricks

A/N: Hey, sorry for the wait... Seriously, only 3 reviews for the last segment? I'm not complaining, because any amount is better than none... but have I been losing my touch? Honestly? I know they're short and all... but that's kind of the point. Anyway, I hope you'll all take a sort of guilty pleasure in today's installment, starring Dobby/Hagrid (suggested by Jestin). I've never even heard of this 'ship even leaving port...

DISCLAIMER: You are not your Harry Potter fic.

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**Can't Teach an Old Dogrid New Tricks**

"Dobby thanks Hagrid very much for letting Dobby spend the night at Hagrid's house," Dobby the house-elf said, seated on the floor with a tiny mug of warm cider between his legs.

"S'no problem a' all, Dobby," Hagrid grunted. "I'm just happy to be o' service to yeh." He stood by the fireplace, stirring what appeared to be some kind of unicorn stew.

"It's been so hard for poor Dobby lately," Dobby sighed, his face in his hands. "Winky's become a holy terror, she has, and Dobby doesn't know how much more he can take!"

"I know wha' yeh mean, mate. Tha' Maxime o' mine, she's overbearing... and abusive to boot. I got th' bruises to prove it." Hagrid rolled up his sleeve and, sure enough, there, on his arm, were several purple marks in the shape of a giantess' fist.

"Dobby's heart goes out to poor Hagrid," Dobby said solemnly. "Dobby guesses we are both unlucky with women."

Hagrid nodded. "Makes yeh want ta swear off them fer good, don't it?

Dobby looked up at Hagrid, and Hagrid looked down at Dobby. They grinned. Hell, why not? A torrid love affair was just the sort of pick they both needed... And nobody could deny that there had been some chemistry between them for years now. Their wives would be none the wiser. And size? Size didn't matter; love could overcome any obstacle.

"I-I love you, Dobby," Hagrid said, eyes a-twinkling.

"And Dobby loves Hagrid!"

Arms outstretched, they ran towards eachother in a very clichéd, slow-motion type way, so great was their love for eachother. And then, just before the climatic, passionate embrace...

A bone-crunching squish.

"Oops."

FIN

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A/N: Keep those suggestions coming (Ron/Hermione, anyone?)... and don't forget to review!

SmileVampy


	5. McDumbledore's: Have it Your Way!

A/N: So, I haven't updated since February... actually, that's a lot quicker than I've upated some of my other fics! Shout-outs to the newest reviewers: **Ice1taru, Nana.Dante, riseofafallenangel, Slytherin's Smirk, Lumos2000, Satan Junior No Super Hentai, xyz, Hpalto87, welovedarcy, and Naomi Maxwell.** Wow, lots of reviews lately... thanks, guys! Glad you're all enjoying it! So, after much internal debate, I present to you: the Dumbledore/McGonagall vessel of the HP 'Ships Log fleet! (as suggested by **HPalto87**)

Rated for: Desparate old people

DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter estate does not belong to yours truly, so kindly stop sending me death threats about Book 6.

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** McDumbledore's: Have it Your Way!**

"You wanted to see me, Albus?"

"Ah, Minerva. So good of you to come." Dumbledore smiled. He was wearing what appeared to be a green and purple plaid-patterned bathrobe which came up above the knees; it was the sort of bathrobe you only ever saw on women or pansies. Or perverted old men.

"What is this about, Albus?" McGonagall asked, yawning slightly. "It is rather late. Unlike some people, I have a class to teach in the morning and would very much like to catch up on my beauty sleep."

"You do not need it." Dumbledore murmured as he leaned over and pecked her on the mouth.

"Oh!" McGonagall blushed. "W-Why... thank you."

"Think nothing of it. Now," he said, "I have a proposition for you."

"Yes?"

"We are both persons of considerable experience and age... I more than you, of course. Neither of us has had the pleasure of a spouse, and it has been an extensive amount of time since either has known the caress of a lover..."

"Albus... are you asking me to sleep with you?" McGonagall asked cautiously.

"Indeed."

"But... think of the children!" she whispered. "They might hear!"

Dumbledore grasped her roughly and acquired an odd gleam in his eye. "Bugger the children," he said uncharacteristically.

"Oh Albus, take me now," McGonagall swooned as she started to unbutton her robes.

_((((((((((Ten minutes later...))))))))))_

"Well, I must say... _that's_ never happened to me before."

"I'll bet, Albus," McGonagall said dryly. "So, what are we to do about it?"

Dumbledore beamed. "Not to worry, Minerva," he said. "For I have created a rather ingenious bit of magic..." He took out his wand and muttered, "_Vye ahgrah_."

There was a brief pause.

"Albus, what was _that_?"

"That, my dear, was a little blue spell... and it will solve _all _of our problems."

FIN

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A/N: ;) Heh. Likey, no likey? Review! Anyway, I really, really want to do Ron/Hermione next (because **I love it**)... Some of the suggested 'ships are just waaaaaay too out there for me to even _attempt_ to tackle (looks pointedly at **Nana.Dante**), although I do like the thought of Snape/Narcissa... it's practically canon ever since HBP... 

SmileVampy


	6. Heron with a Canon

A/N: So, yeah... here's Chapter 6. Sorry for the wait (I seem to be saying that a _lot_ lately). Shout-outs to new shipmates **Phoenix's Feather**, **xLilyFlower28**, and **Dodogrrl**. Well, summer is here, and to celebrate I have for you the very special ship that is Ron/Hermione. I love these guys, and I'm quite the happy camper that Ms. Rowling likes them enough to make the ship canon. Because we all know that the Harmonians are ca-razy...

Rated for: Hanky-panky

DISCLAIMER: Mine! All mine! (is hit in the head with a lawsuit)

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**Heron with a Canon**

Ron and Seamus were playing an exhilarating game of wizard's chess when Ron felt a warm breath tickling his ear. It was Hermione.

"Ron? I need to talk to you right now. It's _very_ important," She said hurriedly.

Ron looked up, annoyed that his game was being interrupted. "Blimey, Hermione… can't it wait? I'm kicking Seamus' arse right now…" Seamus scowled at him.

"It _can't_ wait, Ronald!" Hermione whispered, despite the fact that the entire common room was looking at them and could hear their conversation perfectly.

Ron rolled his eyes. "_Fine_. Talk away then."

"Not here!" Hermione said exasperatedly, as she grasped Ron's bony wrist and literally dragged him up the stairs to the boys' dormitory.

Ron pulled himself away from Hermione as they entered the room where he slept. "Okay, Hermione, tell me… what the bloody hell is all this about?" He watched as she shut the door halfway. "Why're you being so secretive?"

Hermione turned to him, a vague blush passing over her cheeks. "Well, I figured since you've broken up with Lavender…"

"What's-her-face, yeah…"

"…I figured since that debacle's over and done with," she took a deep breath, "It's safe to confess that I am utterly in love with you."

Ron was unfazed. "I thought you had a thing with Harry…"

"Ha! That little nancy? You can't be serious… he's with Draco."

"Huh…"

"God, you're daft," Hermione pulled Ron in closer until their bodies were touching in a manner which was obviously, blatantly suggestive. "I need a man who's more… manly. I need a man who values friendship over everything. I need a man who's willing to tie me up, throw me down, and say 'Come to daddy, cause poppa need some sugar.' Are you able to satisfy those needs?"

Ron grinned as realization finally dawned on him. He swept Hermione into his arms. "Come to daddy, cause poppa need some sugar!"

_Some time later…_

Harry, Seamus, and Neville were standing in the doorway of their room. Well, actually, Neville was in a heap on the floor, having fainted when he got a good look at the Beast which had decided to make its home in Dean's unfortunate bed, but that's beside the point.

Ron and Hermione kept at it, completely oblivious to their audience.

Seamus nudged Harry. "Told you it would happen eventually. Now pay up."

"Aw, hell…" Harry said bitterly as he reached into his pocket and fished out ten Galleons...

FIN

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A/N: (looks at Lumos2000) See, it wasn't _that_ bad, now was it? Next, I think I might do a short piece for Fred/George, with a pseudo-sequel Ron/Ginny. (shudders) Dirty Weasleys.. Erm. I've had the idea for awhile... I won't do it next, but eventually... 


	7. Right Said Gred

A/N: Look! I'm not dead! A new chapter of the 'Ships Log for you. It's Fred/George, like I promised. Shout-outs to new 'shipmates **PotterSummers**, **Kazuli**, **Padfoot Reincarnated**, **Corpse BaBV**, **Quite Grey**, and **LittlePsychoWolf**. Enjoy!

Rated for: twinsecks, man-luv...

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**Right Said Gred**

The twins were closing up shop for the night.

They worked in silence for awhile, until Fred looked over at his twin. "Hey, George. I've got a new trick I want you to try."

George raised an eyebrow. "A new trick? You made one without me?"

"Yeah, well, I just came up with it this morning. You were working the front, and I just couldn't wait," Fred explained. "Sorry."

"S'alright. I'll try it."

Fred ducked into the storeroom, and came back with a brown paper bag. He pulled out an oblong treat with chocolate frosting. "For you," he said, handing it to George, who wolfed it down.

There were no side effects, much to George's surprise. "So, uh… what's it supposed to do, exactly?"

Fred grinned. "I call 'em Cupid Éclairs. Make you fall in love with the first person you see."

George looked straight at him, and grinned an identical grin. "Oh really?" He pulled him close, and planted a slobbery kiss on Fred's mouth.

Fred giggled from underneath George's lips. "Yes, really."

George reached down to cup Fred's nether regions. "No way."

Pulling shirts over their heads and stepping out their trousers, they made for the bed in a blur of red hair and freckles.

"That was amazing, Fred."

"Well said, George."

"Mom'll flip her lid when we tell her though…" Fred mused, snuggling under the sheets and smirking.

"What for?" said George, wrapping an arm around his brother. "We're responsible adults, and it's only a bit of incest." He added as an afterthought: "Well, twincest.What're we going to do, get pregnant?"

Fred giggled.

"We'll make a bundle with those Cupids," George said.

"Well, ah… I didn't make 'em. Bought 'em from a muggle bakery."

"Huh?"

Fred bit his lip. "Those were just regular éclairs. That was the trick."

George guffawed, pulling Fred on top of him. "Oh, you sly devil…"

Fred shrugged, and readied himself for another go. "The power of suggestion is a wonderful thing…"

_FIN__

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Hoped you like it, and please review! Probably Ron/Ginny next, followed by something with Snape..._

SmileVampy


	8. Oh Rinny? Yeah Rinny! No Wai!

HEY EVERYONE! I have a new 'Ships Log for you!

Where the heck have I been, you ask? College, working, writing original fiction, having a boyfriend, and just generally not having time for fanfiction in general... I don't profess any huge comeback for myself... I think the days where I would obsessively write this stuff are mostly over. But I've been missing fanfiction a lot lately, and I'm going to try writing a bit here and there. Continuing my old stories, at least. You guys deserve that.

And that's why I'm bringing you Chapter 8 of The Harry Potter 'Ships Log! It's Ron/Ginny, and a companion piece of sorts to last year's short story "Ron and Ginny Get It On!" They're quite different...

So read it, and tell me what you think!

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**Oh Rinny? Yeah, Rinny! No Wai!**

"Hey, Ron… would you like to have sexual relations?" asked Ginny one day.

"With who?" queried Ronald.

"Why, with me of course!"

"Heavens, no! Ginny, you are my sister!" said Ron, shocked and appalled.

Young Ginny's face fell. "Oh. Well, what's so bad about that?"

"Ginevre, they call that incest. And it's a very very bad thing."

"But-but-but… why?"

Ron hefted a giant muggle textbook into Ginny's arms. "Here," he said, "read this. Chapter Twelve, specifically." After giving Ron a look of dumb astonishment, Ginny scrambled off to her room.

The book was titled _Genetics. _

Several hours later, Ginny returned to Ronald's bedchamber.

"Gosh! You were very right, Ron. Incest _is_ bad. I had no idea what a severe social taboo it was, nor of the genetic defects that await a child conceived of the copulation of a brother and sister. Or of any blood relatives, for that matter."

"Now to you understand why I was so loath to have sexual relations with you?" Ron asked his sister.

"Yes. Very much so," said Ginny. "The only reason I got it into my head that it might be a good idea was because I was browsing the muggle internets when I came across a piece of literature that was about you and I. The plot was nonexistent, but the story was filled with very graphic, sexual imagery which was quite pleasing, actually."

"What you read, dearest Ginny, is something the muggles call fanfiction," Ron said. "And that specific type of story is what they call smut, otherwise known as written pornography. Pieces of literature like these are obviously sinful and very perverted, much like their authors. I would much appreciate it if you did not read these stories anymore, Ginevre."

"Oh, don't worry. I've sure learned my lesson!" said Ginny.

"I am pleased to hear that," said Ron pleasantly. "Now, would you like to join me in the kitchen for some cookies and milk before bedtime?"

"Oh boy! Would I ever!"

_And thus the fandom was saved…_

_For now._

FIN

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Love it, hate it... want me to burn in heck for having left for so long? TELL ME!

Love, SmileVampy


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